Finding Myself Again in Motherhood

 This is a blog post that I'm dedicating to other young mothers that have absent mothers of their own in their lives. 

A blog post that I wish I could have read for myself before I began having babies of my own. 

My perception of being a mother was something I had this ideal of. What it looked like, an image of who I thought I'd be. It's turned out a lot like what I thought it was going to be-but, being a first time parent, you know that everything you "thought" things would be like just ain't the way it turns out to be sometimes! Just like when you hear people without kids say, "well, my kids aren't going to do this or that," you just laugh because they have NO idea! 

I've been on a journey of healing recently. I have come to realize that I have some inner child wounds that I have been addressing and working toward resolving. For those who don't know what I'm talking about, inner child wounds are pains/hurts/trauma from childhood that still show up as an adult. It can come out sideways in a situation. People around you might not understand why you react the way you do. It can be destructive in family dynamics and very unhealthy. This is something that I've accepted that I need help with in my life. 

I think one of the perceptions of becoming a parent you think you have to have it all together. And that's just a damn lie from the pits of hell because I know absolutely NO one that has anything "all" together that's a parent. The truth of the matter is-not dealing with past pain, unfortunately just shows up stronger when you become an adult. I have been in a season of figuring out who I am-with this new role that I've taken on. I think a lot of first time moms have this same wondering, and it's not talked about enough. 

Yes, when you become a mother it is not about you anymore. It's about your baby, and your baby's well-being-ultimately. But, I am still a person right? My needs and wants matter too...don't they? ABSOLUTELY!!! And something I want to stress to you right now if you've been in the constant battle of "mom guilt" and wondering when you're going to "thrive" again...YOU need to be FULL in order to pour from your cup. You can't pour from an empty cup girl. I'm not saying you need to neglect your child and husband and go on a drinking binge, I'm not saying you should go and max out your credit cards on a shopping spree or be irresponsible in any way. I'm telling you to take care of yourself. Throw on a hydrating mask and don't worry about the laundry for today-it can wait and be done tomorrow. Go for a spa day and have the husband/dad watch your baby. Read a book instead of doing chores. YOU still matter. You're not "just a wife" or "just a mom" you're who God created YOU to be. And finding rest in Him, in the word. That is the ultimate restarter. But, I don't think getting a mani/pedi is hurtful either. 

I think the most amazing part of being a mother is knowing God hand-picked your child just for you. He entrusted this beautiful creation to you that is a part of yourself. Bits and pieces of you and your spouse/partner all blended together with their own uniqueness sprinkled on top. Motherhood is doing Kingdom work. Molding the future generation and planting small seeds daily in hopes to produce fruitfulness. My prayer (almost) daily when I rock my son to sleep or am holding him is this, "God, help me to raise this child in the image of you. Help me to love him the way he needs to be loved. Give me the grace, patience and understanding to be the christian woman that he needs in his life to look up to. Thank you for this child. Thank you for his health, may he continue to have good health and grow up to be strong, God fearing man." Now, it might be a little different here and there each time but that's pretty much the gist of it. 

So...back to healing past hurts and figuring out this whole "mothering" thing. I have to be honest and say, that it has been extremely difficult to not have a mother in my life while becoming a mother myself. I long for that bond and relationship because in my mind I feel like I would have more "help." I have a great husband that is very much present and helps out. I also have a father that is willing to help me and watch my son, but he's also a very busy man and on the go a lot. Plus, he's my dad....it's different having a mom, you can't really talk about cracked nipples or vaginal wall prolapse ya know? This pain and void that I have in my life makes me act out sometimes and want to blame-place everyone around me. Is that fair? Absolutely not. And unfortunately, my husband gets the brunt (insert girl hitting head emoji). I have an amazing mother in law that I have a wonderful relationship with too-she just lives over 1,000 miles away! Sometimes I wish we lived in Michigan so I'd have that relationship. But, that wouldn't fix or solve the deep-rooted issue. 

I'm in the process of learning to "re-parent" myself. So what that looks like, is when I have those overwhelming feelings, maybe disappointment, maybe anger, I try to "let" myself "feel" those emotions. By doing that, I am validating my inner-child. I am allowing twelve-year-old "me" to be hurt, to be angry or disappointed. I tell myself when I’m feeling hurt a chant I’ve learned, basically that I was a precious child that was a gift to the world, and it’s not my fault that I was not treasured as a child. Doing this has helped me heal and recognize that nothing was my fault as a child or adolescent   It’s also making me a better mother in the long run by recognizing my triggers and flaws that I don’t want to pass onto my children. When you start to validate your inner-child, you look for it less and less from others as an adult. 

I would feel so easily overwhelmed and burnt out when my son was a lot younger, like 4 months to about 7 months. I don't know why that was so hard for me, but I struggled managing life. Being a stay-at-home mom, running the books and finances for our business, still having my own business being a hairstylist, and a homemaker with very little outside help (excluding my husband). My husband had a hard time understanding why I couldn't manage all of this. I am a pretty independant person and don't necessarily like a whole lot of "help" because in the past it only led to disappointment. I have learned (still learning, really) it's okay to ask for help. I think now looking back, I was missing a mother. I was missing that role in my life that I hadn't had even as a child, and now here I am as a mother myself and an adult and struggling to meet these needs for not only my son, but also for myself. You can’t build a house if you don’t have the right tools in your toolbox  

It's a different kind of pain, when you realize just how big that hole is. Because before I had my son or daughter, I brushed off the hurt. Honestly, I think it just hardened me. But now, I wish I had a mom to go do the fun stuff with that my dad or husband would pass on lol. I'm learning to put myself out there more and have more mom friends, since we live so far out it's been a little challenging finding friends that are closer to me, but it's a work in progress!  

I want to tell whoever is reading this and might be struggling with the same thing....give yourself some grace. Give yourself the affirmation that you've been longing for. Find your tribe, your group, whatever circle that looks like. Find those people, that love you unconditionally and can be your support. Family doesn't always show up the way we think they should-and that's ok. But learning to accept it for what it is and to not get hurt from it is so important. Also realizing you are a person too and not just playing certain roles in your life. As mothers, we should remind ourselves of that more because we are constantly giving and that can be exhausting and overwhelming. So what's the solution? I don't have the exact answers, but I think a good start is to recognize your inner signals/triggers when they start to happen. Being honest with yourself before you get to a breaking point and knowing when to have a "time out." Maybe when you feel that feeling of overwhelmingness you ask your family member, partner/spouse to take over for a few hours while you go sip a coffee alone or go for a walk by yourself or whatever gives you that sense of yourself again. These are good tools to use short term, but ultimately reading the word of God and finding that rest in Him will give you that peace and understanding. 

I'm still learning and a work in progress, and will forever be until I'm reunited with my amazing Savior, Jesus Christ.