Motherhood & Christ
As some of you know that have read some of my past blogs and know our story, we did not have a normal or pleasant experience with our first child.
We lost our daughter in 2019 to a neural tube defect. She was diagnosed at 24 weeks gestation, her condition was incompatible with life. I chose to carry her and give any chance of life she might have had.
When we found out last year about our second pregnancy we were of course beyond excited. But in the midst of that excitement there was also a bit of agony.
In our American culture, I think it is safe to say we aren't lining up to share our grief with others. It's uncomfortable-especially for others. People don't know what to say in sad situations; they don't know how to respond. And mainly that is because we are told to not overshare our business. No one wants to hear the sad stories, keep it short and sweet. Happy endings only.
Just like when someone asks you, "how are you doing today?"
You might have just found out the bank is taking your house because you missed your last three mortgage payments. Or your grandmother is eaten up with cancer, or your pet of ten years just died.
But you respond with, "doing good, thank you."
What would it look like if people met you in the valley? If someone held hands with you and met you with your grief?
It would look like Christ.
When I was pregnant with our second baby the most hated question I was always asked was, "oh my goodness! Is this your first?!"
I usually responded yes. Mainly because I didn't want to get into any details and make anyone uncomfortable. But I look back and think to myself, I shouldn't have to hide my pain. I shouldn't have to hide the fact I had a daughter. I need to talk about her, to tell her story; to share OUR story.
So sometimes I would respond with, "no, I have a daughter in heaven."
Usually they would just smile, or say they were sorry. But I am NOT sorry! I am not sorry that I had the gift of carrying an angel. That God chose ME to be Emersyn's mother! I count it all as joy!
He gives and takes. Being faithful even when He takes and doesn't intercept and allows things to happen according to His plan, is hard. But, He tells us we will inherit the kingdom.
We found out we were having a boy! His name we chose is Elijah Jezreel Canfield.
Elijah means "My God is Yahweh"
Jezreel means "God sows"
Elijah was a prophet in the bible. He trusted God and was faithful. He prayed to God and asked him to bring a boy back to life. God heard Elijah and answered his prayers. The mother of this boy was amazed, and knew that Elijah was a man of God.
When we went to the hospital to have our son, it was surreal. I delivered him at the same hospital and had the same doctor that I had with his sister.
Every nurse that came in our room told us how he was the happiest baby they had seen in a while! And he was born during a pandemic! He was beautiful. Full head of hair! (Explains why I had so much heartburn!) All ten fingers and toes. Absolutely perfect.
I remember being discharged and wheeled out of the hospital to return home. I had my beautiful baby in my arms, and couldn't help but shed a few tears. Remembering the last time I was there when I had his sister, my arms were empty leaving.
I felt overwhelmed with God's love. I was so thankful for His new blessing. I knew in my heart He was watching over me in that moment. Knowing the pain I had endured through, and still remained faithful. Still chose love over hate, (not the whole time, but I eventually came around on my journey) still loved God even though I know He could have spared my daughter's life. Could have healed her if He wanted to. But that wasn't our story or hers...it was a part of His plan. And I full-heartedly trust in His plan.
Becoming a mother is one of the most beautiful and exhausting roles I can think of. The sleepless nights, physical and mental exhaustion and first moments of pure, unconditional love melt together and is called motherhood.
I have loved this time with my son. Being his main caretaker and able to stay home with him is a true gift. I can also say it has been a learning experience as well. I am human, I get frustrated and overwhelmed. I feel anger towards my husband when I am running on empty and so tired. I think to myself, I wish we could trade roles for a day! Let's see if he likes being puked, pooped and pee'd on and constantly making bottles and changing diapers! The last day-nurse I had in the hospital after Eli was born told me and my husband, "Now don't you be surprised if you get a shoe thrown at you in the middle of the night while you're sleeping good and she's up with the baby!" we both laughed, it was funny the way she told it! But man was she right! I wanted to throw that shoe when I had been up every hour or so with the baby!
But could I trade places with my spouse? If I absolutely had to, probably yes. For a day maybe. But not long term. I know in my heart that my purpose is to be that little boy's mother and to be a good wife as best as I know how to be. My job is so important in this season. To raise a future member of the next generation in Christ.
That is an enormous responsibility!
I pray and ask the Lord to help me be a godly woman in His image. To give me patience and understanding. For wisdom and courage. To raise my son to know and love the Lord Almighty God with all his heart.
But most believers know if you've heard a sermon on this....you ask for patience, He doesn't just give you patience...He gives you opportunities to be patient! And boy is that hard sometimes! But I am trying!
I believe what we went through with our daughter has helped me become a better mother to our son, and better parents. I know in my heart that was part of God's plan. That was His way in molding us into He has called us to be. It was incredibly hard to conquer that battle with the enemy. The days I wanted to be depressed and get sucked down into sadness. Sure, I had my days. But you can't stay there. I am far from perfect. Sometimes my writing actually holds me accountable. I know God's word, I know what He tells me, but do I always believe it? Sometimes, and sometimes not! But I will continue to seek Him and ask Him for help. Because He is the only one that can fill my cup. And anyone that is reading this that may be going through something hard or you feel like the enemy is at your doorstep trying to drown you in sorrow, listen to this. Do not be discouraged. We are each on our own journey, it is not a race. All you can do as an individual is control your own actions, and reactions. And maybe next time you have a conversation with someone, and you ask them how they are doing, be intentional in getting the "real" response. Try meeting your friend that is at a low in the valley with them. Pour into others, as many before you have poured into you.
You may pray and ask God for things, but He might not answer those prayers in this season. I invite you to pray this prayer,
"Father God, first I want to thank you for the many blessings you pour into my life. The home I live in, the job I have to be able to provide, the food on my table. God, thank you for my health, the breath I breathe, for my ability to walk. Lord, I feel so weak in this moment. I feel the enemy is always near trying to draw out each breath you give me. I ask for your help Lord. Please grant me strength, please grant me hope and peace, so that I may continue to do your work God, if it be your will. I say to the enemy be gone! I am clothed in my Lord Savior's armor. I prepare myself for battle. Father give me courage to say this chant when I am down and have no might. I pray and ask you,
continue to be with me in dark times. I pray that you will continue to use me for your kingdom and greater purpose. Help guide me to become the vessel that I am called to be in your image. Thank you God for this day, I pray you keep my loved ones safe, it's in your name I pray, amen."
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
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