Living Our New Reality

It was Tuesday, March 12th when I suspected my water broke with our baby girl.  I had back labor and was fearful that it was time to go to the hospital.

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Flashback to the Thursday before.

My husband, Jez, and I went to our weekly check up to see how my amniotic fluid levels were doing. I was starting to feel uncomfortable so I knew we were going to have to do another draining.  

Our doctor told us we would do the draining the following Thursday.  My levels were high, but not high enough.  So we made our appointment and continued going through the motions.

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I was terrified.  I did not feel ready to have her.  I called Jez and my parents and the four of us headed north to Ft. Worth.  I knew deep down I was going to have her.  I was going on 32 weeks.  We knew the chances of her being alive were lesser at this time, but I prayed and continued to ask God to have some time with her before she was called home. 

I was admitted and indeed my water had ruptured.  I gave one of the nurses a copy of our birth plan, and started the phone calls to notify the family.  

ALL of Jez's family came down.  All of my family was there as well.  I was in disbelief that so many people far and wide showed up for US!  That, is the meaning of family and unconditional love.  I don't think I understood it quite like I do now, after going through everything we went through.

It was a long 47 hours of labor.  It was difficult for the baby.  Each time my nurse would go up on pitocin, Emersyn's heart rate would go down.  I was off and on oxygen, peanut pillows shoved between my legs to help spread my pelvis, and only popsicles and jello for nourishment. 

Emersyn Leigh Canfield.  Born at 4:40 a.m. Thursday morning March, 14th 2019.  Measuring 15.5 inches long and weighing 3 pounds.  She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.  Her little face was bruised from pushing-she came out face first!  Unfortunately, the nurses couldn't detect a heartbeat about 30 minutes before she was born.  She was always meant to be an angel, I believe, and I had the gift of carrying her inside of me when she was alive.  I miss her kicks and wiggles and of course, her beautiful heart beat.  

Giving birth is the most humbling experience.  

I was so thankful that I was able to push her out, they wanted to do a cesarean because of the length of time my water had been broken and risk of infection but they believed in me and respected my wishes.  I had the best nurses that took such good care of me, and I am so thankful for each and every one of them that were able to experience that moment. 

God was present in that room. 

I felt His love pour over us, our little family.  Bittersweet is one word I would use to describe that day, but there was also joy.  I remember feeling so proud of my baby while I was holding her in my wheelchair moving rooms.  I knew she looked different to others, but I couldn't see what the world saw.  She was, and still is my beautiful daughter. 

I admired all of her, soaking in her soft skin, her warm touch, fingers and toes and resemblances of me and of her daddy.  She had dark hair!!!  I could not believe that she had some, I wasn't sure if she would since she had an underdeveloped head.  She was imperfectly perfect to us.  

We had twelve wonderful hours with her, until we had to give her back to one of the nurses to be taken to the funeral home.  Jez was the one who took her, and I can only imagine what he felt handing her over...that, I believe, is the definition of being a man.    

It is the most devastating feeling.  Losing a child has been such a rollercoaster of emotions.  I have felt God's presence, some days stronger than others, but I know He is always there.  I have faced obstacles since losing Emersyn.  I have attended my cousin's baby's 1st birthday party, my sister in laws baby shower, and being around family that have little babies in general.  It is tough, but in no way am I envious or angry.  I am so thankful I had Emmy, because giving birth to her made her valid.  Not that she wasn't before, but being able to meet her and see her sweet face gave me peace that all the other babies that I am surrounded by aren't my babies-she was my baby and because of that I don't have ill feelings towards other women that have healthy children.  

When I have shown up for other people, in the most darkest scenarios where I know my mind can play tricks on me, I feel as if I am defeating the odds, and defeating the enemy.  I face those events, and hold my head up high, because I know I have a Heavenly Father that loves me and wants good for me.  I know that He has prepared me and Jez for this time in our lives.  Everything leading up to the present, all the trials we both have been through...it was all God's plan.  I have shared my favorite verse in another one of my posts, Jeremiah 29:11.  It is so hard to grasp the understanding and I constantly am wondering and asking why.  We are not meant to know, all I do know is I will be reunited one glorious day with my daughter and she will be in a perfect body, and there will be no sadness or grief, only joy.  

It is strange, living this new reality.  The free time I still have when I was preparing myself to be a new mother with a brand new baby.  I don't know what to do at times, I feel the urge and desire to take care of something and to nurture.  So, I thought it would be a good idea to help out in the nursery at our church and take care of the babies Sunday mornings.  I have not sought out counseling yet-but I know I need to.  I think as women we have an obligation as wives and mothers to be the glue that holds it all together.  But I am starting to realize that it's ok to not be ok.  I don't have to have my house spotless 24/7 (which would be amazing if that were even possible) I don't have to have it all together.  I feel like I am failing when I don't have things under control.  But that's what I have learned throughout losing Emersyn...we are NOT in control!  Life is so fragile, and our days are numbered, we are not promised tomorrow.  So why worry and stress about tomorrow?  Is it worth putting yourself through it?  Absolutely not!  

I am trying my best.  That is all I know to do, and all I do have control of-myself.  I am on my way to healing, and allowing myself to grieve and trying to be kind to myself.  I know that God is with me on the hard days when I have no tears left to cry, and He's also with me on the good days where I laugh and smile.  Life, is what you make of it.  Even in the valley, I know I am not alone and each day that passes is another day closer to seeing my sweet baby girl again.  

Emersyn Leigh Canfield 

Our little family

Precious angel