The Hurting Parent

Pregnancy, they say, is magical.  

It's the growing life inside a mother's womb.  The butterflies you feel, or the little fish swimming around after you've eaten another one of your desired cravings.

When you see the silhouette of your soon to be son or daughter on the black and white screen.  The beats per minute of their little pattering heart, and the first time you truly fall in love like you never have before.

These are the feelings that come along with the life changing events for a new parent. 

SEPTEMBER 3, 2018

I got my very first positive pregnancy test! 

. . . . . 

   

My husband, Jez and I had been trying to conceive since January of 2018.  We were ready to be parents and wanted to start our family.

I had surgery April 2018 to remove a cyst on my left ovary that was preventing us from getting pregnant.

The doctor told us to give it three months and he knew we would be pregnant.

When three months passed by I was disappointed.  I had an epiphany one night, and realized that if God waited nineteen years to bless me with finding my biological father, He would bless us with a child when it was right.
. . . . . 

And He indeed blessed us.

It's hard to trust in His plan for us sometimes.  We constantly are pinning house ideas on Pinterest and mapping out our next life event-to the day!  I am so guilty of this, but He says to us "Be still, and know I am God" (Psalm 46:10).

He tells us not to worry.

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not much more valuable they they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" (Matthew 6:26-27)

We had a gender reveal cake cutting dinner with my family to share the news if our little baby was a boy or girl.

We cut into a  P I N K cake!!!  We were having a baby G I R L!!!!

Emersyn Leigh Canfield

We already loved her so much.

Life was normal.  Jez and I were both working, we had a new reason for getting up out of bed each morning.


JANUARY 18, 2019

We received the worst news any new parents could receive. 

 At my 24 week ultrasound our baby girl, Emersyn Leigh was diagnosed with a neural tube defect, anencephaly. 

 This means she doesn’t have a brain or scalp but has all other healthy organs and is perfect everywhere else.  

Her spinal cord didn’t close all the way during the first month being formed-therefore her brain not developing. This is a rare condition, effecting about every 3 out of 10,000 pregnancies in the US.  Babies born with this do not survive long after they are born.  Some die during childbirth, some live hours, maybe minutes and in some cases a few days.  They are not compatible with life.  

Uncompatible with life. 


It was days of trying to wrap our heads around the news, tears soaking our faces.  Hoping they were wrong.  But we knew in our hearts they weren't.  I made the choice to carry our daughter to term, in hopes of getting some time with her before we had to tell her goodbye.  And if she qualified, donating her organs would be an option to help other babies survive.


I am twenty-five years old, and the prime time of when babies are being made.  My social media is flooded with babies, everywhere.  People I went to high school and college with all getting on the baby train.  A place I try to go to escape, but only to be constantly reminded of the ugly truth I try to run from.

God knew how I longed to be a mother.  He knows the desires of our hearts, and had heard my prayers.  I did not (and still do not) understand.

My own mother does not want anything to do with me.  I believe it is because I have called her out on her lies that she pretends are the gospel truth and for exposing them.  One of them being who my biological father was.  I made the choice to cut her out of my life, but she seems to not mind it-and I'm sure prefers it that way.

I wonder why God would give her five children, two of which she has nothing to do with.  Or why all the horrible people you hear about on the news who have their kids taken away would be so blessed?

These questions come and go.  But we are not meant to understand, and I know this.


We booked a trip to Pensacola, FL to get away for a week.  We booked a photographer for maternity pictures on the beach and a charter fishing trip.  We drove, and decided to break it up by stopping in New Orleans on our way.  I had always wanted to go there and never had the chance, even though it was just as dirty as people described it.  But we went, had an amazing seafood dinner, walked down Bourbon Street and ordered a beignet on the way out the next day.

We were in Alabama and I broke down, hard.  I felt like I had been so strong and tried to hold myself together.  I had gone back to work a few days a week and had told some of my clients, for some reason doing hair felt therapeutic to me and I enjoyed it.

When I told my clients (who are mainly women) I felt strong when I told them.  I didn't cry.  Mainly because I was speaking for my daughter, I was telling her story and felt like a proud mama doing so.

While I was crying my eyes out in the passenger seat, I told Jez that I hadn't felt her kick as much.  I wanted to go get checked out for our peace of mind before we checked in our condo.  So we went to Sacred Heart Hospital there in Pensacola.

It was a huge hospital.  The office manager of the perinatal office was overwhelmingly sweet.  She was so kind and walked us to their MFM triage unit.  We then saw a doctor that confirmed why I wasn't feeling her as much, I had a large amount of amniotic fluid built up.  Babies that have anencephaly do not have the parts of their brain that control swallowing.  They are suppose to swallow the fluid as it is produced, similar to how a water fountain functions.  The built up fluid also explains why I was in some pain at night and couldn't sleep, my organs were getting crushed and I was overall uncomfortable.  I just thought it was from gaining weight and her head being really low, causing pressure.

I was crying, overwhelmed from the past month since our diagnosis.  Overwhelmed that we were having to process such serious, adult matters and somehow try not to lose our sanity.

Everyone was so, so nice there.  I was also crying because they were all so kind to me, knowing our situation.  It made me think of God's love for us.  And I believe the Lord was there with us, trying to comfort us and reassure us that it was all going to be ok.

The doctor said my cervix felt thin as well, and said that if she were in our shoes-she would go home.  She feared something might happen (me going into preterm labor) and we'd be miles away from family.  So we made the choice to end our trip and head home.

I felt so angry after we got home.  I felt so cheated.  Cheated of life, cheated of joy, cheated of anything good.  I realized that we did have a few nice evenings, and we at least got that together.  You see, we are not promised tomorrow.  No matter what we try to plan for our lives, we are NOT in control.  It is hard to grasp sometimes, but my faith in the Lord is the only thing that has gotten me through thus far.

I am 29 weeks.

We had an appointment to get some of the fluid drained-because neither one of us were ready to have her.  We both want some time with her and knew her chances would be slim if I were to go into labor or be induced now.

I had the procedure done, which was absolutely the worst pain I've ever felt in my life.  I will go once a week to have it drained until we decide to have her.  Anen babies also don't have the hormone normal babies produce that make a woman go into labor-so they have to be induced.

We have to choose our daughter's birthday, and possibly the day she dies.

I am not ready for this, and most certainly do not feel strong enough to go through with this.

But I'm reminded that "I can do all this through Him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13)

Night in New Orleans.  Hurting parents trying to find joy in life.

No one else I'd do life with.  I love this man 10.14.17